When asked to explain the reason for the end of a relationship, many married couples attribute the breakup to large differences in character. It’s believed that dissimilar people cannot maintain strong relationships. Sometimes this opinion makes one of the partners constantly play a role that does not correspond to their inner world, putting on a mask of meekness and “goodness”. This is called faking a relationship.
A fair question arises, what is the meaning of the relationship?
Every person is different. Often, people with different characters, worldviews, and themselves cannot explain what unites them; despite their differences, what allows them to maintain a strong relationship. Crystallization of real feelings does not occur on the basis of the same traits, but on a common diverse experience, the ability to forgive the shortcomings of another person and be patient with a partner.
Problems in a relationship
At first glance, it may seem that the main problem in a relationship is the unwillingness to understand a loved one and not accept their point of view. But in fact, the reason for parting is more often the rejection of your real self, a distorted picture of your own individuality. The formation of a desire for a false ideal image occurs under the influence of constant requirements and prescriptions that we encounter in childhood, experience gained while observing parental relationships.
Obsession with the patterns and clichés created in society does not allow the true nature to manifest itself. It’s fear that makes us wear a mask. Fear of showing the true self to the partner, we begin to accuse, protest, take offense, get irritated, show aggression towards the partner. They don’t see the real reason for this behavior. Therefore, they don’t understand you and your claims. At the heart of dissatisfaction with marriage, complaints that married life does not correspond to the idea of a happy family, for the most part, there are internal conflicts that do not find a way out, first of all, you need not blame your partner but understand yourself. This is not an easy task. It will not be possible to immediately cope with all the problems.
You have to go a long way through the dark tunnel to see the bright light. But it is necessary to make a journey to the real self. Otherwise, the split in the personality will intensify, and fears and discontent will thicken.
The road to your own self
The first step is to separate the causes of the disease and its symptoms.
If there is a conflict, carefully evaluate your reaction. Ask yourself why these words, actions of a partner cause irritation, discontent, what is the reason for such an impulse. Try to find a way to help yourself without your partner’s support. It is important to understand that the negative reaction is not a disease, it is its symptom. Therefore, you need to deal with the problem itself.
The second step is getting to know yourself
Carefully evaluate the actions, actions, words for which you blame yourself. Determine if all of them evoke these feelings because of a mismatch with your own self or if most of the guilt is dictated by social conscience. Tell yourself honestly what kind of partner, parent, colleague, child you are. Do not reproach yourself that you are imperfect, it is impossible to be so. But if some reasons for guilt are significant, they need to be excluded, not to repeat mistakes.
It is not easy to be yourself, to treat conscience as an outside observer, some decisions, actions will not correspond to the accepted cliches. But this courage is needed if you want to be yourself.
It is necessary to sift not only the opinion of conscience but also the reaction of the partner. His assessments are subjective, born of his own ideas. Therefore, you should not accept them as the final verdict, accuse yourself that you do not correspond to his ideas. You should think about what can be done about such contradictions, whether you need to change something in yourself or give your partner the opportunity to decide what he will do with his reaction.
It’s not your job.
You need to understand that relationships cannot make a person whole if it is not originally such. The partner can only point out that we have internal problems. If there is no fake in the relationship, it is much easier to find a consensus, forgive the partner and yourself for certain shortcomings, patiently treat some inconsistencies.
Step three – learn to understand and take care of yourself
Most of the fakes in a relationship are the result of fears of losing a partner. A holistic person should be able to help himself, does not need external support. You need to learn to understand yourself, support, comfort, be able to admit you’re wrong, vulnerability, not ideality. You need to learn to “take a hit”, react calmly, without rushing into panic.
There are flaws that you can deal with without turning them into a constant cause of guilt. Learn to boldly confess them to your partner, not so that he condemns them or makes claims. This will allow him to understand how he will relate to these shortcomings, how to react to them. Accept his decision calmly, without using interpretation.
Don’t depend on your partner
It is important to minimize dependence on a partner. It is necessary to concentrate not on what he does, how he reacts, but on his position. Our desires, which combine personal intentions and feelings, should not change from the fact that the partner considers them insignificant, wrong. If a person knows how to hold on to himself, he will be able to provide himself with the required support, to remain in his own position.
This does not mean that the partner’s opinion should not be taken into account. On the contrary, relationships must grow and develop constantly. When problems arise, you must immediately look for ways to solve them. It is impossible to avoid negative emotions and reactions. Therefore, you need to learn how to transform serious experiences, to be able to live through the existing differences.
When a negative reaction to the words, actions of your partner appears, do not forget that your inner attitude is the cause.
Close, lasting relationships can be created only in conditions that allow each partner to reveal their own I, without any distortions and masks, to express thoughts and feelings without fear of being misunderstood.
Forging a relationship is practically worthless, only individuality can be priceless, which is valued in a good marriage and is the basis for its preservation.
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