Parents sooner or later face the fact that their child suddenly begins to defend their boundaries, interests, and rights. Sometimes doing so in a rather harsh way. Even in the form of rebellion. Many parents, especially those who raise “comfortable” children, are frightened by this process. And they unknowingly perceive it as a consequence of bad character traits or even as a fundamental desire of the child to “annoy” adults. And this is a big and even dangerous delusion.

In fact, it is very important to understand that in this way the child goes through a natural and absolutely normal, and most importantly, the necessary process of separation. If they pass it in full form and with your support, it will become a good basis for a happy, self-confident, viable adult adapted to the outside world. But this is what parents always strive for. That’s why they invest so much effort in raising their children!

What is the separation process?

Separation is the formation of a personality. This dictates the level of dependency the child will have as an adult. This is achieved by separating the child from the family in order to gain full support for themselves.

It ALWAYS takes place with accommodation and the following steps:

Denial . 

The child removes the ideality of their perception from the parents. And accepts the fact that adults have both advantages and disadvantages. That is, they are no longer perceived as odious figures. They are displaced from their pedestals. Here there is a denial of parental experience and the formation of a desire to go their own way. To find personal answers to existing questions.

Self-reliance. 

Even if adults offer an optimal and in every sense a wonderful solution, the child does not accept it and tries to find his own, which he brings to life. This is the period when it is more important for a teenager to fill his own bumps and gain invaluable personal experience, and not take it from his parents.

Self-knowledge.

The teenager seems to be exploring himself in a new way, making up his own personal opinion about his I (both external and internal), not relying on the opinion of others and parents. In this period, there is a lot of assessment of the world around and of people, because this is how the child tries to answer the question “What is my uniqueness?”.

Experiments.

A teenager can get involved in all sorts of stories, do what was atypical for him before, take a lot of interest in new things and try himself in various hobbies, literally “probing” the boundaries that separate the permissible from the unacceptable for him.

Contact with the other sex

The teenager is actively trying to understand not only his world, but also different from it, belonging to the opposite sex. This is the time for socializing with other people and establishing romantic relationships.

Group affiliation.

The child tries to build interaction with others (peers) and form group relationships like those that were in the family. He seeks and receives the acceptance and support he needs not from his parents, but from friends, classmates, acquaintances, realizing that they have common problems or a similar worldview.

How do you know that the separation has been passed?

There are 4 main markers that indicate that the separation process has actually taken place:

• The teenager is not in dire need of parental approval. He understands that he himself is a separate integral personality who can go his own way.
• The adolescent does not evaluate the world and himself using a “right / wrong” scale based on parental criteria. In other words, he has a personal clear opinion based on his own life experience, and not on what adults told him.
• He is capable of further independently taking responsibility for his own life and providing himself financially. In addition, he knows for sure that he has the freedom to choose a place of study, work, city or country of residence, social circle, personal life, and individual interests.
• A teenager lives without guilt or anxiety for his actions in front of his parents. He is free of them, and they are free of him, but at the same time, they maintain closeness and maintain contact that suits both parties optimally.

Don’t be afraid to let your child go. Trust him! Trust that he can handle it himself. Become close people to him who respect him as a person and believe in his abilities, opportunities, and choices. It is then that you can make happy not only your child but also yourself!

If you are in conflict with your parent, you have arguments, quarrels and you feel dependent, then the separation process has not yet been completed. See a psychologist. With a specialist, you can go through this process safely.